No, it’s not a new competitor for the iPhone.
A few of my musician friends are attempting to invent a conceptually new musical instrument we will call the Shacklephone. It will have keys, strings, a brass mouth-piece, frets, a slide, a bassoon mouthpiece, valves, a bell, a resonating body, and a sustain pedal, not to mention a MIDI interface, balanced audio input/output, AES/EBU digital audio interface, wordclock i/o, SMPTE timecode i/o, 64GB of RAM and a satellite transmission capability. There will be Bb Tenor Shacklephones, Eb Alto and Eb Contrabass Shacklephones, and, of course, C Melody Shacklephones. It will be the only musical instrument that is all things to all musicians. There will even be drum and Shacklephone corps, using anti-gravity-equipped marching Shacklephones. The special F Gospel Shacklephone will automatically scoop all notes.
Who needs physical modeling synthesis when you’ve simply included something of all the instruments? Much like the music of Scriabin was supposed to have done, but didn’t, the Shacklephone will usher in the new age of enlightenment and agape love among all humanity. The very age of Aquarius, with a dose of galactic alignment thrown in for good measure.
Professional design assistance is needed. Anyone who would like to submit artist renderings of the proposed instrument could share in the royalties from the (doubtless) extensive sales anticipated for it.
The first prototype is scheduled to be rolling out of the Shacklephone factory sometime in the year 2012, and will be delivered to Yo-Yo Ma, who is developing a method book for novice Shacklephonists. Bono has requested one so that he can Shacklephonically pursue world peace. Persistent rumors at the Huffington Post suggest that Bill Clinton, the first black president, plans to appear on late night TV playing the Bb Marching Shacklephone (we all know of his fondness for astroturf… shoot, didn’t he have his pickup truck bed lined with it?) as he tries to help Hillary unseat Obama in the 2012 elections. I don’t think it will help, but it will be fun to watch. He was always good at playing the blues.
Because of the possibility of Shacklephonio-political implications, the factory’s location will remain undisclosed until the first production run is complete and delivery has been made. This should help avoid the appearance of former ACORN workers now employed by the Office of Universal Care Health Enforcement (OUCHE) trying to shut the place down to protect Obama’s re-election prospects… since, of course, when the new age dawns, no one will be voting for him.
Wait: didn’t I hear something else about the year 2012?
Must remember.
November 15th, 2009 12:12 pm
Don’t forget that all music for the Shacklephone must be written in tabs!
November 15th, 2009 12:32 pm
I understand that it will actually be free to design, manufacture and produce as well as promote. All funds will procede from the waste currently found in the government sponsored National Endowment for the Arts!
November 15th, 2009 6:20 pm
I can only help in the design of the C Melody Shackelphone. The biggest dilemma will be how to actually C Melody when you are playing the Shackelphone. I wil try however.
November 15th, 2009 10:25 pm
I actually still have a C-Melody Sax….I retrofitted the cork to allow for a tenor mouthpiece. Trying to buy a c-melody reed is kind of like buying parts for a horse-buggy.
November 15th, 2009 10:25 pm
And if you close your eyes real tight…you can see melody!
November 16th, 2009 6:50 am
The C Melody Sax is smaller than the Shackelphone, that’s why squinting helps. The mouthpiece for the C Melody Shackelphone will be made of silver and will use (obviously) a C Melody Saxophone reed. Again, another design challenge will be the vibration of the metal against the reed.
November 16th, 2009 8:45 am
I think that perhaps a bypass valve to allow the wind energy to either pass straight or through a kazoo would allow for increased tonal flexibility.
November 16th, 2009 10:34 am
just license the Eigenharp…..
and make modifications to create the Shacklephone
November 16th, 2009 10:45 pm
great! what an economy boost! What can I pay you have the monopoly on the erupting Shacklephone tuning/repair business?
November 16th, 2009 11:22 pm
How much you got?
November 17th, 2009 12:36 pm
I heard that a Mayan elder once prophesized that on Dec 21, 2012, the first all-Shacklephone orchestra concert would be held, and they would perform a piece composed by a man by the name of John Williams. The resulting music will be so perfect that the sound waves will create a gravitational field which will create a black hole and the universe will actually implode.