Aug 02 2009

The Beer Summit Protocol

Category: humor,Obama,race,racismamuzikman @ 1:41 am

(NOTE: All beers mentioned in this blog are actual brand names.)

As everyone knows the White House just concluded the so-called Beer Summit.  The Acting Chief of Protocol Laura B. Wills, must have had her hands full last week in preparation for such an austere Presidential event.  Just the selection of the correct beer alone have been pretty tricky business.  I’m sure Chief Wills had to summon all of her considerable suds-selection experience in order to pull this one off.

I think one of the biggest challenges would be in selecting beers with an appropriate name, given the seriousness of the occasion (a White House Summit) and the sensitive subject matter (racism).  Just a cursory investigation into the world of beer and breweries reveals there are literally hundreds of beer names in the world, running the gamut from mundane to clever to rude.  But not just any beer will do and I’m certain the selection process was handled with great care, since so much was at stake. For example, imagine what kind of message would be sent if the President greeted Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley while holding a frosty cold can of Arrogant Bastard Beer.  Not good, (Though I wouldn’t put it past someone like Hugo Chavez to stock up on cases of The Ugly American the next time Obama stops in for a Western Hemisphere Summit).  Other beer names are just so outrageous they were probably never considered.  There is just no place at a White House beer summit for Santa’s Butt Porter or Seriously Bad Elf, (Say..that reminds me…Whatever became of Robert B. Reich?).

Since so many beers are identified by their color, this presents serious potential for offending someone on the basis of their race. Given the fact the entire affair has been racially charged one would think that any light or dark beer would have to be removed from consideration.  Yet the President apparently drank a Bud Lite – and he is to be commended for such a significant demonstration of magnanimity.  Furthermore any beer with a color in its title would have to be carefully considered, especially if it is a color used in describing certain races.  So Red Kite, Red Label, Red Rooster, and Red Ass Ale are out – wouldn’t want to offend any American Indians.  Likewise say good bye to Amber Bitter, Yellow Belly and Yellowstone Pale Ale in order to avoid any Asian pejoratives.  Red Neck beer is also disqualified for it’s own reasons though it’s inclusion would certainly have been tempting to Obama had any of the guests been Republicans.  Sgt. Crowley maneuvered gracefully to a solution, selecting Blue Moon, (I can’t help but secretly wonder if this was a subtle, silent fist-pump to the men and women in blue) but only time will tell how this move will be received in the Smurf community.

With P.E.T.A. always lurking in the background I figure any beer mentioning animals would be off-limits.  This eliminates quite a few; Moosehead, Moose Drool, Cobra, Dog’s Bollocks, Elephant, Fat Weasel, Golden Eagle, Lion, Snowgoose, Old Speckled Hen, Sick Duck, and Pig’s Eye just to name a few.

We know the Second Amendment is not popular with the current crowd in Washington so I’m fairly certain Colt 45 was ruled out. For similar reasons relating to gun violence Valley Forge, Veterans, and Old Chicago were also probably put on the Do-Not-Serve list.

There are a couple of beer names that I thought would surely show up at a beer summit hosted by Obama.  What better message for him to send than to have everyone hoist a Robin Hood.  If ever there was a man who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor….  The other brand is 1984 Golden Choice simply because the Orwellian similarities are so profound.

Let’s face it, the choice of beer is fraught with potential peril.  The name must be politically correct, so naturally I assumed the White House would be serving PC beer.  That’s right, there is a PC beer.  It gets better – the initials stand for “President’s Choice”.  Wow! talk about your two-for-one acronym!!!  It seemed like a sure thing until I discovered PC is brewed by Whitewater Brewing Co.  Disqualified based on color.  I really feel for this company too.  If they had decided to pick a more politically correct name, it might have created other problems.  I mean, who would buy a beer brewed by the Brownwater Brewing Co.?

Perhaps the biggest surprise came from Professor Gates who consumed a Sam Adams Light.  That is a double faux pas, first for the aforementioned “light” connotation.  But even more important than that is the name, Samuel Adams.  Yes he was a brewer back in the day.  But more significant is the fact that he was white, he was a signer of the Declaration of Independence and an unabashed patriot.  He is partially responsible for the creation of this country and it’s most cherished founding documents.  I thought Gates would gag if he drank a beer named after someone like that!  I guess it just goes to show you how all those Harvard alums stick together through thick and thin.

This blog entry is silly – intentionally so.  But sadly no less silly than some of the claims that are made and things that are said in the name of racial diversity in this country almost every day.  Maybe if enough of us actually spoke up and called them silly it would help us put the nonsense behind us.  We will never get past the issue of race and racism as long as we are continue our obsession with color coding everyone and everything.

Finally I must acknowledge Vice President Joe Biden, who drank a non-alcoholic beer called Buckler.  There’s not much to say here except that drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like kissing your sister.