{"id":829,"date":"2009-05-11T09:34:00","date_gmt":"2009-05-11T16:34:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harmonicminer.com\/wordpress\/2009\/05\/11\/things-i-learned-at-commencement\/"},"modified":"2009-05-11T08:46:42","modified_gmt":"2009-05-11T15:46:42","slug":"things-i-learned-at-commencement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harmonicminer.com\/wordpress\/2009\/05\/11\/things-i-learned-at-commencement\/","title":{"rendered":"Things I learned at commencement"},"content":{"rendered":"

Just because somebody has posted a sign reading ADAM SMITH at the entrance to the university parking lot, it doesn’t mean the place is automatically filled with enthusiastic capitalists.\u00a0\u00a0 It may just mean that people are being directed to other parking lots…\u00a0\u00a0 one near ADAMS dorm, and one\u00a0 near SMITH dorm.\u00a0 But you can dream.<\/p>\n

The side of the stage the faculty sits on is determined by taking the average political position of the faculty, and reversing it.\u00a0 So the graduate faculty sits on the right, and the undergraduate faculty sits on the left.\u00a0 Or something like that.\u00a0 Or maybe it’s reversed, and I’m overthinking it.\u00a0 Proves I’m a faculty member.<\/p>\n

People are given doctorates these days for proving (with voluminous research reported in hundreds of pages) that blind and deaf kids have a harder time in school than other kids.\u00a0 Good to know.<\/p>\n

There seems to be a disturbing trend in doctoral dissertations about people who make “the insanity defense” successfully.\u00a0 This could be because you have to be insane to start a doctoral program.\u00a0 Or it may be that these Ph.D. candidates are planning a grim fate for their dissertation committee chairs, and are preparing their defenses in advance.<\/p>\n

Tortillas are aerodynamically stable in frisbee-style flight profile, until the forces caused by the spin rate exceed the tensile strength of the tortilla, at which point it lands on somebody’s face.\u00a0 (Corollary:\u00a0 students do not pick up the tortillas they have launched.\u00a0 They’ve obviously been listening to their professors telling them it’s their civic duty to create jobs.)\u00a0 (Related observation: rolls of TP are even less aerodynamically stable, but are more fun to watch.)<\/p>\n

History and poli-sci faculty are likely to wear nice, shiny, dark shoes.\u00a0 Music faculty seem to wear sandals, or paint-spotted running shoes.\u00a0 Art faculty don’t wear shoes, unless they’re highly decorative.\u00a0 Theology faculty, befitting their vows of poverty, don’t wear shoes either.\u00a0 English faculty wear shoes, but remove them during the commencement address.\u00a0 Global studies faculty wear shoes of woven hemp, which appear, somewhat mysteriously, to have disappeared in a cloud of smoke before the commencement exercises are over.\u00a0 (I notice that people who sit near the global studies faculty seem to be in an unusually good mood, as well.)<\/p>\n

It is now socially acceptable to be on the phone during commencement.\u00a0 Since everyone is talking through everything anyway, why not?<\/p>\n

Advice for people attending commencement:<\/p>\n

1)\u00a0 If somebody passes you a bag of cubed cheese, don’t take any.<\/p>\n

2)\u00a0 Any joke about the approaching end of a commencement address seems to be able to draw laughs.\u00a0 But it is still a joke.<\/p>\n

3)\u00a0 All commencement addresses are too long.<\/p>\n

4)\u00a0 Come early, unless you really, really enjoy walking.<\/p>\n

5)\u00a0 Bring a pillow or cushion to sit on.\u00a0 If you’re a capitalist, bring two, and sell one dearly.<\/p>\n

6)\u00a0 If it’s outdoors, bring a wide brim hat.\u00a0 This can protect you from flying tortillas.<\/p>\n

7)\u00a0 To impress fellow faculty, tuck a copy of People magazine into the cover of the Journal of Applied Theoretical Exogamous Endo-Philosophical Meta-Studies.\u00a0 Nod now and then as you read it, and make notes in the margins.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/div>\n

Share this:<\/h3>