Not to put too fine a point on it, escrow is HELL. Really. There are only TWO eternal states, Heaven and Hell, unless you count driving across Kansas. So anyway, since ESCROW NEVER ENDS, and since it sure as hell ain’t heaven, Escrow IS Hell.<\/p>\n
This makes a certain sort of sense. A house is a black hole, sucking everything into its maw eternally, including money, time, and joy, not to mention paint, porcelain, copper and asbestos. Regarding the process of falling into a black hole:<\/p>\n
From the viewpoint of a distant observer, an object falling into a black hole appears to slow down, approaching but never quite reaching the event horizon<\/a>: and it appears to become redder and dimmer.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Consider: you may approach but never quite reach the end of escrow. As you attempt to approach, and indeed get closer and closer while never quite reaching it, you will note that your face gets redder and redder, while your putative escrow officer (actually spawn of Satan) becomes dimmer and dimmer, eventually becoming invisible and unreachable.<\/p>\n
A house emits only a single thing, somewhat similar to Hawking radiation<\/a>, known popularly as property taxes.\u00a0 As with Hawking radiation, there is no effect on those involved in the escrow process itself, as the radiation of property taxes totally bypasses those entering the black hole (eternally<\/em> entering it, did I mention that?) and is the only direct evidence of the black hole in the universe outside the event horizon.\u00a0 Further, it appears that objects entering the black hole are destroyed in parts during the process, so that the Hawking radiation of property taxes simply re-emits energy stolen from the partially destroyed object trying to enter the black hole, otherwise known humorously as “the buyer.”\u00a0 This is only one of many paradoxes surrounding real estate black holes, since “the buyer” is required to pay taxes on a property not yet owned, one of the few confirmed instances of time travel in Creation.\u00a0 The energy of the emitted property taxes cannot be captured and put to any useful purpose, thus hastening the heat death of the Universe<\/a>, which mathematical physicists assure us will happen before Escrow ever ends.<\/p>\n