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<\/a> I admit, this guy does look like some of my neighbors.\u00a0 I live in a rural area, on a dirt road.<\/p>\nBut like Mister Yosemite Sam, I hate wabbits.\u00a0 (I even have a red moustache…\u00a0 well, it used to be red, anyway.)\u00a0 These zig-zagging miscreants are not fuzzy, cute little ear-twitching tail wigglers.\u00a0 They are eaters of drip-line, despoilers of foliage, freelance socialists who think they have a right to my fruit trees’ drip system, inflaters of my water bill.<\/p>\n
I have tried everything.\u00a0 I have been nice.\u00a0 I have put out bowls of water<\/em> for them that are refilled every time my drip system runs to water my trees.\u00a0 In front and in back, so the poor little darlings don’t have to wear themselves out hopping around my lot.\u00a0 It doesn’t matter.\u00a0 They still chew up my polyprop drip line, so that I have geysers when the water timer comes on.<\/p>\n Some smart guy at the local vet supply said that if I put out fox urine crystals, it would make the rabbits stay away.\u00a0 So I spent more money than I should have, buying the distilled essence of bad smells to scare off the bunnies.\u00a0 (Aren’t you glad you don’t work in the factory that makes that<\/em> stuff?\u00a0 And why don’t we hear of PETA demonstrating in front of the fox urine factory to improve the living conditions of the caged foxes….? \u00a0 …..who presumably are given lots of water.)\u00a0 Anyway, when I sprinkled the crystals in the prescribed manner and density, the flop eared vandals just laughed (ever seen a rabbit horse laugh?) and chowed down on my drip line.\u00a0 Again.\u00a0 For dessert, they ate the bark off one of my trees, to a nice uniform height of 24.376 inches.\u00a0 (Not bad for an 18 inch wabbit.\u00a0 Maybe they can levitate.\u00a0 Maybe they stand on each other’s backs.)<\/p>\n I hate them.\u00a0 Really.\u00a0\u00a0 With the pure kind of hatred that would find pleasure in shooting them all, one by one.\u00a0 I am really, really tired of having a part-time job fixing my drip line.\u00a0 Is it so wrong of me to want to have a few trees that don’t grow at 4500 feet above the desert floor without a little extra water?\u00a0 I’m trying to make the world greener<\/em>.\u00a0 I’m pretty sure I feel the same way about these wabbits that Adam felt about thorns after being ejected from Eden.<\/p>\n This morning I came out to leave for school, and I had another geyser….\u00a0 which means I was spending my hard-earned money watering the local juniper bushes, which don’t need water, because some bushy tailed, fuzzy faced blackguard developed a yen for synthetic drip line….\u00a0 again.\u00a0 If you’re an eco-pagan vegan PETA type who feels sorry for the poor little bunnies, keep in mind that they are wasting water.\u00a0 Mother Gaia did not intend for them to eat poly-prop dripline, or to have water they couldn’t suck out of desert plants.\u00a0 It’s practically my social responsibility to take firm action.<\/p>\n It has gotten so that when a wabbit runs out in front of my car on the local roads, I swerve to try to hit it.\u00a0 I almost got one that way yesterday.\u00a0 The kids laugh maniacally.\u00a0 They have absorbed the paternal hatred for wabbits.\u00a0 In fact, my 12 yr old daughter asked me for a rabbit’s foot that last time I shot one with a pellet gun.\u00a0 I laughed evilly and hurled the carcass over the fence to be eaten by the coyotes who come by every night hoping for a free dinner.\u00a0 In my family, we recycle.\u00a0 Nothing wasted.\u00a0 Not that there will ever be a shortage of wabbits.\u00a0 As if.<\/p>\n But the week is young, and I have a quota to meet.\u00a0 Hey, at least with me they have a sporting chance.\u00a0 I’ve had neighbors who used repeating shotguns.<\/p>\n I borrowed an air rifle from my church choir director.\u00a0 (I have noticed that choir directors are often armed.\u00a0 Haven’t you ever wondered what they’re hiding under those choir robes?)\u00a0 The air rifle is WAY cooler than my old Daisy single-pump pneumatic target pistol, which is only accurate out to about 40 feet.\u00a0 I’ve been practicing with it.\u00a0 And I’ve been watching “Lock and load” on cable TV for tips on how to shoot varmints.\u00a0 I have new cammies, and I’m learning how to talk like Lee Ermey. This guy is my role model.\u00a0 I wish I could take him with me to faculty senate meetings.<\/p>\n Anyway, in my tan\/brown cammies I blend in with the desert, and, like the US Marine Corps, I own the night.\u00a0 I think my motto has become, “every musician a rifleman.”\u00a0 This single shot break-action air pellet rifle even has a laser sight.\u00a0 Imagine being a jack-rabbit the size of a donkey with a red dot just below your left ear.\u00a0 Ah, the stuff of poetry.\u00a0 Think of it as another episode of that military channel classic, “Modern Sniper.”<\/p>\n It better work.\u00a0 If it doesn’t, I’ll be shopping for a grenade launcher at the next gun show.\u00a0 I saw something being demonstrated on the military channel that looks like it might fill the bill.\u00a0 It is sort of a gattling gun for 40mm grenades.\u00a0 You can get all kinds of specialized ammo for it.\u00a0 I may have seen one of these in my neighbor’s quonset hut\/storage shed.\u00a0 I think he knows somebody at the local National Guard Armory.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n