harmonicminer

The University of Tennessee has announced it is going to award Al Gore an Honorary Doctor of Laws and Humane Letters in Ecology and Evolutionary Biology because according to University Chancellor, Jimmy Cheek, “Vice President Gore’s career has been marked by visionary leadership, and his work has quite literally changed our planet for the better”.

In keeping with the spirit in which this degree will be awarded I’d like to propose some additional honorary degree candidates:

The Culinary Institute of America should nominate Hannibal Lechter for an Honorary Doctorate in the Culinary Arts for his “passionate dedication to exploring new culinary possibilities combining fava beans, chianti and human organs”.

The Harvard University, Kennedy School of Government should nominate Julius and Ethel Rosenberg for an Honorary Doctorate in International Development for their “unswerving commitment to world peace through open international trade and free exchange of technology”.

The USC School of Cinematic Arts should nominate Larry Flynt for an Honorary Doctorate in Film & Television Production for his “body of work celebrating group copulatory interpretive movement”.

The Cleveland Institute of Art should nominate Charles Manson for the Sharon Tate Honorary Doctorate in Biomedical Art/Interior Design for his “bold, fresh and daring integrated use of human blood as both interior design element, artistic-political statement, and Beatles tribute.”

Fuller Theological Seminary should nominate Madelyn Murray O’Hair for an Honorary Doctorate in Practical Theology for her “lifelong activism related to the subject of the theological equivalent of the unified field theory”.

The Claremont Graduate University, Peter F. Drucker and Masatoshi Ito Graduate School of Management should nominate Bernie Madoff for the P.T. Barnum Honorary Doctoral degree in Financial Engineering for his “proven commitment to wealth redistribution and contributions to the Obama model of economic justice”.

As for the University of Tennessee I only wish they had their tongues firmly planted in the esteemed Chancellor Cheek.  In light of recent disclosures concerning the reliability of anthropogenic global warming data the truth of this latest accolade for Al Gore is more bizarre than anything that could be imagined.

It can be really, really dangerous to be an investigative journalist, investigating what Congress-critters are doing behind closed doors.

So, last week at my university, we had a drill.

The alarms blared, and the entire campus had to evacuate every building on campus and make for the parking lots.  In my group, we were told to make for the sidewalk on one side of the parking lot.

I’m trying to figure out what we were practicing to avoid.

If there was a fire, it would probably affect only one building, not the entire campus.  It’s a big campus.  I don’t think there’d be any reason for us to empty all the buildings, and just make it that much harder for the firetrucks to get where they needed to go.

If there was a sniper or active shooter, running for the outside would seem to make us better targets.  I think I’d rather lock my office door (which is heavy, metal, and thick) and take my chances.

If there was an earthquake, current doctrine taught by the experts is to get UNDER something substantial in the first three seconds, but not to try to run down halls and stairways, get into elevators, etc.  Besides…  would we go stand under power poles on the street when the quake and aftershocks were still happening, or might start again?

If there was a bomb threat for a building… well, I don’t know, but it seems to me that a bomber who really intended to do evil would threaten a particular building, then blow up a car bomb in the parking lot next to it, as soon as the building’s occupants had left the building…  for the parking lot.  Same thing applies if a building WAS blown up on campus…  smart killers will rig a few cars to go about five minutes later.    Sounds grim, I know…  but exactly that has been done in Israel, where bombs have been rigged to detonate within a few minutes of a first explosion, to kill emergency responders, people who think they’re safe now, the inevitable crowd of onlookers, etc.

Gas attack?  Hmmm..   I don’t see how the bad guys get every building on campus that way….  so if some building is attacked that way, as long as it isn’t mine, I’m not sure I think it makes sense to run for the parking lots.  If we’re under serious attack, the same logic applies as above…  gas attack a building, then blow up a few cars in parking lots a few minutes later.

So, I think I’ve decided.  If the balloon goes up again, I’m not heading down the stairs for the sidewalk by the parking lot under the power poles with the rest of the sheep.

I’m going across the street to Jack-in-the-Box, and order a Southwestern Grilled Chicken Salad.  I’ll be safe there, because Jack already blew up Jack-in-the-Box.  I saw it on TV years ago.  I don’t think he’d do it again.  And the terrorists sure won’t, since according to the FDA all that fast food is killing us anyway.  Why interrupt the punishment Allah has ordained for gluttonous Americans?  And let’s not even start talking about poison gas…

Or maybe I’ll just start telecommuting.  But maybe I’ll update Skype first.

Call this one a guilty pleasure.

Some serious physicists think they have good ideas about how to build interstellar spacecraft based on Dark power: Grand designs for interstellar travel

In August, physicist Jia Liu at New York University outlined his design for a spacecraft powered by dark matter (arxiv.org/abs/0908.1429v1). Soon afterwards, mathematicians Louis Crane and Shawn Westmoreland at Kansas State University in Manhattan proposed plans for a craft powered by an artificial black hole (arxiv.org/abs/0908.1803).

No one disputes that building a ship powered by black holes or dark matter would be a formidable task. Yet remarkably there seems to be nothing in our present understanding of physics to prevent us from making either of them.

Of course, there is the whole issue of Galactic cooling to be considered.  It seems that the galaxy may be heading into an ice age, and if we use up all our energy driving space craft all over the place, what will we have left to heat the planets?  The Greenland permafrost will get even frostier.  They’ll probably open a Wendy’s.

Anyway, if they do start steaming around the universe in black hole driven starships, they’d better be careful not to drive right off the edge of everything into another universe.  There might be monsters there.  Or even worse, environmentalists.  You know how that will go…  they’ll start berating us for using up non-renewable resources like black holes and dark matter.

Then somebody will make a movie about the heat-death of the multi-verse and terrify everyone at the Intergalactic Preservation Cosmological Commission, and before you know it, someone will want to tax black hole harvesting.

And that will only be the beginning.

So, today is my birthday.  I went and played keyboard for the first service at church, then got out before someone caught on and tried to sing to me.

Since my age for the entire last year was a prime number, I guess that means that I am now, uh, past my prime.

Sigh.

To make me feel better about it, some friends, colleagues and students sent me nice birthday greetings on facebook.  Some were of the normal “Happy Birthday, Shack!” variety.  A couple of them got insulting and called me Dr. Phil.

Cretins.

One even thanked me for teaching her music theory and music technology, which she now uses in her life more than she expected.  That was nice, one of the best birthday gifts a person could give me.

One former student from way back seemed to find great joy in astronomical allusion.  We eventually decided that as long as I live, the galaxy will keep spinning ’round, with all black holes kept tidily in their places.  Or maybe that’s an astronomical illusion.

My 94 yr old mother sent me email asking how long the university will allow me to continue to teach.   Nice, mom.  Real nice.

Then my cousin told me about all the family members she’s seen lately that I haven’t.

It’s always your family that knifes you in the back.

And then there were the nerds.  Lots of nerds.  For example, a fellow faculty member sent me this birthday greeting:

sol-sol-la-sol-do’-ti, sol-sol-la-sol-re’-do’, sol-sol-sol’-mi’-do’-ti-la, fa’-fa’-mi’-do’-re’-do!

I think that last do should be do’…  but I suppose I’m quibbling.

A music major from three decades back, who then worked as a DJ or something at a radio station in Alaska for a time, sent me this:

0–0-2–0–5-4–0-0-2–7–5—0-0-9--7-5-4–2—10-10-9–5–7–5

It took some time to decode that one, since it has a couple of errors in it (the 9–7 sequence should be 12 — 9, and the 2–7–5 sequence should read 2–0–7–5), and it assumes that “0″ is the fifth scale degree…  but what can you expect from someone who moved to Alaska?  Hey….  I wonder if he ever met Sarah Palin?

But I digress.

Then there was the current student, a jazzer, who couldn’t resist sticking in a suspended, altered dominant voiced as a Neapolitan major 9, +11, 13 chord over the dominant root, where it would conflict with the penultimate note rather seriously, so he changed the melody down a half-step, the only remaining problem being that the root of the Neapolitan isn’t the ideal melody note against all that extended color.  He seems also to want my birthday to be over very, very quickly, though at least he wished me many happy returns.

I am often accused of employing inappropriate logical tools to issues of values, theology, philosophy, etc.  That may be what was behind the next birthday greeting, which I think may be a subtle insult suggesting that I think only in black and white, with no room for shades of gray, nuance, etc.

01000111 01000111 01000001 01000111 01000011 01000010 01000111 01000111 01000001 01000111 01000100 01000011 01000111 01000111 01000111 00100111 01000101 01000011 01000010 01000001 01000110 01000110 01000101 01000011 01000100 01000011

I’m not sure what to say about that, other than that the apostrophe confused me for a moment…  I actually had to consult this table.  In retrospect, it was obvious, of course….  the apostrophe was to indicate the upper octave of “G”.

I’m reminded of a sign on my office door, graciously donated to me by a faculty friend.  It says:

There are only 10 kinds of people.  Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

As for accusing me of binary thinking, all I can say is this:  either today is my birthday, or it isn’t.

Based on the available facts and logical conclusions to be inferred from them…

I choose to believe that it is.

_________________________________________________

UPDATE:  It has been pointed out to me by a friend on facebook that, while I can do binary arithmetic, I can’t do third grade decimal arithmetic.  To wit: last year, my age was NOT a prime number.  And neither is this year.  Next year IS…  I think.  I no longer trust myself.

Perhaps the logical question is, will I be completely overwhelmed by senior moments (or senior hours) even BEFORE I have passed my prime?

I suppose time will tell.

No, it’s not a new competitor for the iPhone.

A few of my musician friends are attempting to invent a conceptually new musical instrument we will call the Shacklephone.  It will have keys, strings, a brass mouth-piece, frets, a slide, a bassoon mouthpiece, valves, a bell, a resonating body, and a sustain pedal, not to mention a MIDI interface, balanced audio input/output, AES/EBU digital audio interface, wordclock i/o, SMPTE timecode i/o, 64GB of RAM and a satellite transmission capability.  There will be Bb Tenor Shacklephones, Eb Alto and Eb Contrabass Shacklephones, and, of course, C Melody Shacklephones.  It will be the only musical instrument that is all things to all musicians.  There will even be drum and Shacklephone corps, using anti-gravity-equipped marching Shacklephones.  The special F Gospel Shacklephone will automatically scoop all notes.

Who needs physical modeling synthesis when you’ve simply included something of all the instruments?  Much like the music of Scriabin was supposed to have done, but didn’t, the Shacklephone will usher in the new age of enlightenment and agape love among all humanity.  The very age of Aquarius, with a dose of galactic alignment thrown in for good measure.

Professional design assistance is needed.  Anyone who would like to submit artist renderings of the proposed instrument could share in the royalties from the (doubtless) extensive sales anticipated for it.

The first prototype is scheduled to be rolling out of the Shacklephone factory sometime in the year 2012, and will be delivered to Yo-Yo Ma, who is developing a method book for novice Shacklephonists.  Bono has requested one so that he can Shacklephonically pursue world peace.  Persistent rumors at the Huffington Post suggest that Bill Clinton, the first black president, plans to appear on late night TV playing the Bb Marching Shacklephone (we all know of his fondness for astroturf…  shoot, didn’t he have his pickup truck bed lined with it?) as he tries to help Hillary unseat Obama in the 2012 elections.  I don’t think it will help, but it will be fun to watch.  He was always good at playing the blues.

Because of the possibility of Shacklephonio-political implications, the factory’s location will remain undisclosed until the first production run is complete and delivery has been made.  This should help avoid the appearance of former ACORN workers now employed by the Office of Universal Care Health Enforcement (OUCHE) trying to shut the place down to protect Obama’s re-election prospects…  since, of course, when the new age dawns, no one will be voting for him.

Wait:  didn’t I hear something else about the year 2012?

Must remember.

My niece married a man from Lebanon. They lived in Lebanon for awhile after they were married, and his family taught her how to prepare Lebanese food, including hummus.  And I have to say it, the stuff is delicious.  But the evil Israelis, not content with stealing Palestine from the people who stole it from the people who stole it from them, have begun making hummus themselves, and worse, making money on it.  So, in a last ditch effort to assert their bragging rights to intellectual property, some Lebanese chefs prepare massive plate of hummus.

Lebanese chefs prepared a massive plate of hummus weighing over two tons Saturday that broke a world record organizers said was previously held by Israel – a bid to reaffirm proprietorship over the popular Middle Eastern dip.

“Come and fight for your bite, you know you’re right!” was the slogan for the event – part of a simmering war over regional cuisine between Lebanon and Israel, which have had tense political relations for decades.

Lebanese businessmen accuse Israel of stealing a host of traditional Middle Eastern dishes, particularly hummus, and marketing them worldwide as Israeli.

“Lebanon is trying to win a battle against Israel by registering this new Guinness World Record and telling the whole world that hummus is a Lebanese product, its part of our traditions,” said Fady Jreissati, vice president of operations at International Fairs and Promotions group, the event’s organizer.

Hummus – made from mashed chickpeas, sesame paste, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic – has been eaten in the Middle East for centuries. Its exact origin is unknown, though it’s generally seen as an Arab dish.

But it is also immensely popular in Israel – served in everyday meals and at many restaurants – and its popularity is growing around the globe.

Of course, the declaration of recipe infringement hardly rises to the level of, say, the Soviet “invention” of the 57 Chevy, not to mention half the other cars invented in the West.

I think the entire discussion of who owns the rights to hummus is…. wait for it….. humorous.

Maybe if Hamas and Hizbullah were more interested in hummus, and less fascinated by homicide, we could hope for harmony in Haifa.

Perhaps Netanyahu could send them a nice copy of “The Joy of Cooking.”

It appears that our sister galaxy, Andromeda, has been eating the Local Group out of house and and home.

Our nearest major galactic neighbor is a cosmic cannibal. And it’s heading this way eventually. Astronomers have long suspected Andromeda of being a space predator, consuming dwarf galaxies that wander too close. Now, cosmic detectives are doing a massive search of the neighborhood and have found proof of Andromeda’s sordid past: They’ve spotted leftovers in Andromeda’s wake.

Early results of a massive telescope scan of Andromeda and its surroundings found about half a dozen remnants of Andromeda’s galactic appetite. Stars and dwarf galaxies that got too close to Andromeda were ripped from their usual surroundings.

“What we’re seeing right now are the signs of cannibalism,” said study lead author Alan McConnachie of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia. “We’re finding things that have been destroyed … partly digested remains.”

Maybe, by the time Andromeda shows up at the Milky Way’s doorstep for dinner, the Solar System will have managed to sneak out for a smoke or something, and can stay off the menu.

Maybe we can get Al Gore to establish a NASA study group to figure out what capitalism has been doing wrong that has left Andromeda so hungry.

So I am scanning the Drudge report this morning, as I do most days, and this headline catches my eye:
BOOZE, HOOKERS: Clinton orders probe into guards at U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan...

So naturally I think to myself, “yeah, so…?”

It was only after a more careful examination of the headline that I realized it was NOT about Clinton using hookers and booze….

Imagine my surprise.

Where does white skin come from?

THE idea that early humans became fair-skinned as they migrated north out of Africa so they could make enough vitamin D to stay healthy has been questioned again, reopening a debate that many think is settled.

Continue reading “Why are there white people?”

Mars’ environment destroys methane very quickly

Methane gas on Mars may be destroyed 600 times faster than it is on Earth – and possibly in as little as one hour, new calculations suggest. If so, whatever process is responsible for the destruction may be wiping out other organic molecules, which are necessary for life as we know it.

I expect we’d better ship the dairy industry to Mars.

It’s pretty obvious to me that Texas sheriff deputies just aren’t paid enough to do this kind of work.

An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol. The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin. Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.

At least no one will have to oil the gun.

Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title