Jul 01 2010

The Truth About Undocumented Fireworks

Category: humoramuzikman @ 8:55 am

The Fourth of July is almost upon us.  The day we set aside to celebrate our nation’s independence.  But I for one am very troubled by some of the holiday-related signs that have been popping up.  In my community as well as in a number of other local towns notices are being posted reminding the citizenry about the prohibition of so-called “illegal” fireworks.  I find the term “illegal” to be very offensive.  Such racially charged rhetoric does nothing to solve the problem and only serves to promote anti-fireworks sentiment, giving rise to more hate speech and fear-mongering among Christians and other extreme right-wing conservatives.

The truth about fireworks needs to be told.  For too long the ravenous and rabid haters of fireworks have been allowed to post their hateful signs without challenge all the while promoting their so-called “safe and sane” fireworks which are hardly more than sparklers.

To begin with, the supposed importation of “large quantities” of undocumented fireworks has been greatly exaggerated.  The claims that millions of dollars worth of fireworks coming across our borders is simply not true.  Sources say the real amount is probably no more than a few crates per day.

Second: The claim that purchasing undocumented fireworks takes income away from American fireworks is ludicrous.  Undocumented fireworks are only doing what American fireworks won’t do.  If American fireworks actually made a loud boom, blew tin cans high into the night sky or were fired from Coke bottles then there would not be such a demand for undocumented fireworks.  But Americans fireworks do not provide such services therefore it is clear undocumented fireworks are here because they are wanted and needed in this economy.

Third:  As for claims that undocumented fireworks are being purchased with welfare money and are clogging our medical facilities with excessive burns, and severed fingers.  I’d like to point out that recent statistics prove much more welfare money is used in gambling casinos than for fireworks and that only emergency medicine is being utilized in order to reduce medical emergencies. In fact, rather than being a drain on public service, undocumented fireworks pump much needed cash into the economy and provide opportunity for emergency and fire service personnel to collect overtime pay at this time of the year.  And given the relatively low cost of distribution and sale of undocumented fireworks the net transfer of income is exactly opposite of that implied by the fireworks bashers.

Fourth: The issue of criminality.  These fireworks don’t kill people, guns kill people.  And if little teenage thugs weren’t buying undocumented fireworks then they’d probably be out TP-ing houses or engaging in some other mayhem.  But statistics show that when teens are occupied with using fireworks in the wholesome and mostly healthy celebration of Independence Day, other reported crimes drop dramatically!

In conclusion: America is a continent, not a nation made up of fifty sovereign states containing many individual municipalities.  As such all fireworks made anywhere on the continent should be allowed to be sold and used anywhere on the continent.  To prohibit such commerce would be to spit in the face of those who fought and died for the independence of this nation…er continent.  And if we as a nation…er, continent, cannot embrace undocumented fireworks then I think the line, “rocket’s red glare” should be stricken from our National…er Continental Anthem!

Long live cherry bombs!  Long live bottle rockets!  Long live M80s!

4 Responses to “The Truth About Undocumented Fireworks”

  1. Saxman says:

    Okay…I can type now…I have removed myself from my floor laughing…as the drinker of V-8 said…thanks, I needed that!

  2. amuzikman says:

    I’m glad you got a laugh. :)

  3. innermore says:

    Fireworks are determined as illegal according to their black powder content. But of course, even the thought of examining a firework in this way would be considered racial-pyrotechnical profiling. What is Arizona’s solution to this legal quagmire?

  4. amuzikman says:

    Pyrotechnic profiling. A plague upon this great nation. To think that someone could be detained or have their fireworks confiscated simply by the presence of “too much” black powder is unconscionable.

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