Jun 02 2009

And Now, For Something Completely Different….

Category: humoramuzikman @ 8:00 am


OK, so what’s all this I keep hearing about “male enhancement”?  Everywhere I turn I’m bombarded with advertisements, from emails to T.V. commercials and billboards to pop-up ads.  And it’s all the same message: 1. Your male reproductive anatomy is pitiful because you are too small.  2. We have what it takes to make you bigger.

I mean golly!  First of all I had no idea I was so defective.  Second, I had no idea there were so many helpful people in the world.  You could say it was sort of a “good-news, bad-news” revelation:  I find out I’m woefully inadequate – but there are lots of ways to get help.

I’d like to know who first came up with the idea of using the word, “enhancement”.  I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this application.   I’ve heard the word “enhancement” used in a couple of other contexts that seem to make much more sense . One is in reference to photo images,  (e.g. “We enhanced the color to make the picture seem more vibrant”) .  The other use is related to business: “career enhancement”,  (e.g. “You really should go back to school and get your PhD, it would be a great career enhancement.”).  But now the word “enhancement” has now been appropriated in such a way I think it will soon cease to be used by others – too much baggage, I fear.

There are other terms that could be used for this.  Why not “augmentation”? (no, women have augmentation, men have enhancement. )  “Inflation”? (no, that one is being used by the government) “Amplification”?  (no, that’s sounds like buying car speakers) “Enlargement”?  (heavens no, too specific – just begging for a lawsuit). OK, try this one.  For the sake of simplicity and to keep it real I think both genders should simply follow the McDonalds model and say, “super-size me!”

This all started with email – and hasn’t let up!  Just a glance at the subject line of some email messages in my spam folder every day would make a sailor blush! Some of the more tame ones claim among other things that “size does matter”.  And of course there are plenty that promise to have found the solution for “E.D.”  Here is another term I have a problem with.  When I see ED I think of a horse (boy, that dates me) or an abbreviation after someone’s name, showing they have a doctoral degree in education.  But “erectile dysfunction”?…….ew!

No doubt about it though, it’s the T.V. ads that drive me crazy.  It used to be that advertisements dealing with adult products or themes would not appear until very late at night, after the kids have gone to bed.  Not so any more.  Nothing quite like having the whole family gathered around the T.V to watch a favorite show and then have to endure one or more of those  Extenze or Levitra commercials.  Frankly, it’s embarrassing!

And speaking of Levitra…In case you have never seen one of their commercials the ending always shows a  handsome middle-age couple sitting on a hilltop, blissfully watching the sunset, side by side, hand in hand…IN HIS-AND-HERS BATHTUBS!!!!  Boy, nothing makes me more amorous than the sight of an old rusty discarded bathtub sitting outside on in the yard (can you say “redneck”?).  And don’t you think taking Levitra is a bit of a waste if all the man does afterward is crawl into an outdoor bathtub?  At least get in the same tub as your wife, then you probably won’t need the Levitra!

Extenze is no better.  In fact they are worse because they seem to buy so much advertising time on channels I watch.  While Levitra has bathtubs, Extenze has fake testimonials and images of laboratories where a cadre of dedicated chemists scurry about, holding test tubes with various brightly colored liquids, ostensibly refining this amazing product.  That image brings to mind the following possible conversation:

“Son, it’s great to see you!  Your mom and I are so proud of you completing your degree.  A double major in Biology AND Chemistry.  Well done!  It’s great to know you made the most of all the money your mother and I spent to put you through college.  And now we hear you already have a new job.  Pretty exciting!  What will you be working on, oh future Nobel prize winner, a cure for cancer, leukemia, Parkinson’s disease?”

“Uh, no, dad.  I’m working on a new formula for male enhancement.”

Then of course there is Enzyte and its silent, stupidly-grinning spokesman, Bob.  Apparently this drug provides not only male enhancement but it also improves ones golf game, bowling score and ability to ski moguls as well as turning you a race car driver, and qualifying you to be Santa at the office Christmas party.  Now that is what I call a pill!  Actually Freud would have had a field day with  these commercials and their psuedo-phallic symbolism.  Come to think of it Enzyte should combine with AT&T wireless ads. With more bars in more places….

Let’s not forget Viagra, the little pill that started it all.  As many drugs as Elvis Presley took in his life I still think he must be turning over in his grave every time those good ol’ boys start singing in the barn, ripping off his 1964 hit, Viva Las Vegas.

Cialis.  Another male enhancement pill with its own advertising twist. The makers of Cialis claim their product makes it possible for you to be “ready when the time is right”.  Their ads consist of various “slice-of-life” vignettes in which a middle-age couple are always being interrupted by something or someone presumably just as they are on their way to the bedroom.  Perhaps instead of taking Cialis they could invest in a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign and take the phone off the hook.  But that’s just me….

Last but not least are the T.V. commercials I’ve seen for some sort of male enhancement vacuum pump.  Thankfully I do not remember the name of this device.  But I do seem to remember it reminding me of a CPAP machine.  I suppose it would come in handy if my private parts had sleep apnea…

One things about this industry that is not funny is the untold millions and millions of dollars spent yearly by men who are trying to be more than they are.  Sure there are some men who have legitimate medical issues and I don’t mean to ridicule their plight.  But the vast majority of men who purchase these products are normal by any standard.  It’s just another example of how difficult it is to be content with who you are and what you have – so to speak.


6 Responses to “And Now, For Something Completely Different….”

  1. dave says:

    Well done…

  2. anthony andreola says:

    What worries me is when inmates at the prison request these medications from the doctor. Dont worry though, we dont hand them out.

  3. TJ says:

    If you encounter loss of eye sight, hearing,
    or have an erection lasting more than FOUR HOURS!!!!!!

    “i can’t see or hear, but i can feel it!!!”

  4. Darlene Kliewer says:

    I simply canNOT stop laughing at this one!!!!!

  5. harmonicminer says:

    Leave it to the trombone player to put this one up.

  6. Michael Burns says:

    Well written article. I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

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